Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
