Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
