Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize