The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
