At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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