I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
