he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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