And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
