Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
