Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I stole a fireplace last night.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
