sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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