I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
