Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
