I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
