textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize