R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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