im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's blow job season.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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