I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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