I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
