Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
