omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
