just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize