I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
