My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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