also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
