You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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