Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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