She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Sorry about my life...
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