I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
