I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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