I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
