I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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