At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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