I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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