she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
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