I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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