my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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