you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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