guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
