i may or may not be watching the land before time
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
