he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize