This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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