so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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