Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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