I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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