sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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