but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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