New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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