The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
