Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
