there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I cut my penus on the lid.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
