I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize