A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
