half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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