I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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