from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
