we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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