Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize