Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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