I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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