do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I cut my penus on the lid.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
